


Beyond Saving

by FireworkArcanist



Series: Take Your Son To Work Day AU [1]
Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Angst without a happy ending, Body Horror, Gen, Gordon Freeman Trapped On Xen Au, Graphic depictions of violence are GRAPHIC, alien transformation, bro I wrote this whole fic from the hours of 2am - 6am going completely insane, heavy Dad Gordon Freeman energies, like really graphic, there is a happy ending for this AU but its not the way you think and it won't be in this fic, this is THE longest thing I've written in years
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:15:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24932125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FireworkArcanist/pseuds/FireworkArcanist
Summary: Somewhere along the line, Gordon Freeman's life had gone terribly wrong, and now he was trapped on an alien world running from monsters who wanted to kill him, and he had no idea where his son was.
Series: Take Your Son To Work Day AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1805095
Comments: 20
Kudos: 78





	1. 1- young man, spit the blood from your mouth

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Liliflower137](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liliflower137/gifts).



> Mind the tags. None of the graphic stuff in this first chapter but it's going downhill fast from here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No gore in this first chapter but it's all downhill from here, folks.

Gordon Freeman was not entirely certain where his life had gone wrong. 

Was it when he had decided to actually bring Joshua to Black Mesa's "Take Your Son To Work Day" event? Was it when he didn't fucking- strangle that weird passport guy- all of this was probably his fault, jumping into the god damn test chamber and causing him to be sent god knows where. Was it when he accidentally pissed off a local- whatever these things were. It's not like alien species on uninhabitable void worlds had names. 

The point was, something in his life had gone horribly wrong, and now he was on an alien world running from some giant black... thing. 

He was pretty sure his life couldn't get any worse. He was also not going to jinx it, not with his feet barely finding purchase on the slippery rocks in the low gravity of Xen. Gordon didn't want to know what would happen to him if he slipped and fell off… or if the roaring beast behind him actually caught up. 

He really wished that the HEV suit was better for running in. That would make this a lot easier. 

Then- he spots it. An escape route- an island floating off the main one- fairly large, with what looked like a cave entrance in it, and knew that was small enough so the whatever it was couldn't fit inside. 

There was just one problem: the gap to get to it was pretty big, maybe bigger than he could jump with his suit on. Inside the suit, Gordon bit his lip, before making his decision- he'd rather take his chances with the abyss than with the monsters inhabiting this strange place. 

"Come on, Gordon, you can do this, not that hard, just like gym class. Just like gym class." He is, of course, lying to himself- it's not like gym class ever made you choose between maybe falling to your death or getting eaten by some kind of horrifying monster, but he gets to edge and leaps-

The world is in slow motion for a second, the claws of the monster just barely missing his back and for a second he's terrified he won't make it- Joshua, I'm so sorry- before Gordon's arms catch on the edge of the island and he hauls himself up, panting, and looking behind him. 

It doesn't look like it can cross the gap, which is good, but he screams as it opens its maw and a jet of fire narrowly misses him. 

Gordon scrabbles forward, and ducks into the cave. He's safe here, probably. The stone walls will protect him from the flame, and if there are any larger monsters on here, maybe the size of the cave mouth would keep them out. 

Gordon has never been a religious man, but he prays to any god that will listen that he hasn't wandered straight into something's den. He ran out of ammo- god, how long has it been now? Joshua must be so worried- a long time ago, so now all he has is his suit. It's a miracle the lights are enough that its solar charging can activate, even if it doesn't deliver as much juice as Gordon would like.

The man slides down the wall of the cave, panting. Hopefully- hopefully he could rest here. At least for a bit. He had to keep going, had to keep moving. He couldn't be stuck here for the rest of his life. He couldn't be stuck here for another day. His son- his son needed him, he was just six years old, that's too young to be an orphan. 

As he sat there, Gordon's mind idly wandered. How long had it been for his son? He must be so worried. Had it even been a day? It's not like time had any meaning wherever this place was. It felt like it had been days, though, and his whole body ached from the bruising and running and fighting. 

Gordon just wanted to go home. He wanted to pick his son up in a massive hug, take him home and make blueberry pancakes. And quit his job. After he got out of here, he was never doing anything for Black Mesa again, no matter how much they paid him. His life, the safety of his son- 

He hoped Joshua was safe, that whatever had gone wrong with the test hadn't caused something to go horribly wrong with the facility. Gordon tried to push the worries aside, burying his face in his hands, but they gnawed until he stood up and dusted himself off. Sleep was never going to come, not like this. Maybe- maybe he could explore around the cave. Make sure it was as safe for him to rest in as he thought. Anything to distract from the thoughts in his head. 

He would not think about Joshua being in danger. He could not think about Joshua being in danger. 

Running into monsters was a far more palatable idea than that. 

The cave is dark, obviously. That's kind of part of the whole being a cave thing. Probably cooler than the rest of this place too, though Gordon is too lazy to pull up the environmental readings on his HEV suit. It probably wouldn't tell him anything useful- most of the sensors had been giving him weird errors since he got here. 

He was probably gonna have so many cancers or whatever when he got out of here, but that was a problem for Future Gordon. Right now, he didn't even have the prerequisites to be worrying about cancer. He was more worried if he was going to die right now, immediately. 

Gordon Freeman taps a button on the wrist of his HEV suit, and his flashlight clicks on. 

Gordon Freeman proceeds to scream like a little bitch baby, though he will absolutely never admit it. 

It takes a couple seconds of screaming- he closes his eyes so he doesn't have to face his impending demise, before he slowly opens them and realizes that he was staring at… a skeleton. Some form of giant horrifying monster skeleton, but a skeleton. Glancing around, he can see a lot of skeletons, actually. 

If they weren't so big, he could almost confuse them for human, if he saw them from a distance. Up close, though- he could see their needle teeth (Gordon shuddered to think about what those teeth might have been used for. Or used on.) and their too-sharp claws and what looked like the bones of a tail? He could be wrong, biology was never his strong suit. He had a doctorate in theoretical physics, it's not like he had ever been to medical school. 

Still- curiosity killed the cat, and Gordon walks around the bodies, inspecting them. Anything, no matter how morbid, is a welcome distraction, and this is… certainly a puzzle. 

The bodies- they all bear noticable cuts and fractures and breakage in the bones. He may not be an expert, but it looks like this place was the site of some sort of slaughter. Idly, he wonders what could have killed these things, and hopes he'll never run into it. 

Gordon is distracted from his thoughts by the crunch of bone beneath his foot, and the man stumbles back, shining his flashlight at whatever the hell he just stepped on. The skeleton is… unidentifiable, though it looks like some sort of animal. Probably. Fuck if he knows, really. Odd that creatures this big would keep something so small- they look about the size of a hamster, but it too share the telltale signs of brute force death, even with his accidental crushing of it. 

It was sitting in a nest, full of other skeletons that appear like carbon copies of the first one, and some scattered eggshells. Looks like whatever these tiny creatures were, rbeh hatched out of eggs. Skimming over them, they all appear to be shattered, except for one egg- it looks like this one actually hatched, instead of being smashed. Weird. 

...There are more nests around the cave too, all in the same horrible condition- he tries to count them, but loses track at around 5 in the depths of the cave, and decides that this isn't worth his time. These creatures might have had a lot of these weird pets- maybe they were the alien equivalents of chickens? It's not like he could ask them, though- they were obviously long dead, and also definitely didn't understand English. 

Now that he had grounded himself, the man attempts to focus on the task at hand- Gordon still has to survive after all, and despite the dead bodies, this place appears empty and uninhabited by any kind of monster, so it's a good place to rest, despite the creepy ambiance of the skeletons and the shattered eggshells. 

Gordon retraces his steps, turns off the flashlight, and curls up against the wall near the entrance to sleep, which comes quickly, inky tendrils pulling him into the black sea of dreamless sleep, and dulling the ache in his bones, in his entire body, really. If he wasn't asleep, he would tell you that's one good thing about utter physical exhaustion. No dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Liliflower137 who has stayed up with me like.... way too late talking about this AU with me and encouraging me to write it. Couldn't have done this without you!


	2. 2 - shape your skin into the ballad of icarus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The gore starts here, fellas. You've been warned.

Gordon wakes up in the cave, in exactly the same position he fell asleep in. Mentally, he feels a bit better, but his body still aches. It's probably the bruising, on top of the fact that sleeping in a hard metal suit is better than exposing his flesh to the open air, for any old monster to wander in and murder him, but it certainly isn't anything Gordon would come close to describing as a comfortable experience, on account of the fact the suit is made of a giant hunk of cold steel with minimal padding.

Gordon stands up, grumbling, and casts a glare at the skeleton he can't see but knows is there. "If this were an Air B&B, I would give this place- zero stars." He misses taking Joshua on road trips to national parks, eating snack food from 7-11’s just for fun, and staying in shitty Air B&B's along the way.

He had promised Joshua he would take him to the Grand Canyon this summer…

That would still happen. He had to believe that. He had to. Otherwise, what was the point? Shaking his head, Gordon exits the cave. His HEV suit hadn't gotten to charge for the last… however long he'd slept, but it was worth it for a few hours of sleep in actual darkness. If it hadn't been for the HEV suit, he might even have been able to pretend for a moment he was back home in his house, asleep after a long day of work and a delicious meal of takeout from his favorite restaurant, Joshua sleeping soundly in the other room. 

He needs to stop thinking about his son. It hurt too much. 

Gordon emerges from the cave, shielding his eyes and looking about the other side for the monster that had almost caught him yesterday, and was pleased to find it was gone. Good. That would make getting off this island and continuing to search for a way out of here much easier. .

Gordon gets a running jump and leaps across it, managing to (mostly) stick the landing this time, other than stumbling. The impact of the HEV suit's metal boots shake the fragile ground, and send a few pebbles falling into the abyss. Gordon quickly gets away from the edge, and resumes his journey, keeping his eyes and ears peeled for monsters. 

He wants to return home whole and in one piece if he can help it, and honestly? The morphine the suit was capable of dispensing was probably a godsend, but it wasn't actually real medical help, and it's not like there was anything he could use for bandages, or managing infections, or, or- He didn't know what he'd do if he took some sort of hit that wasn't just the constant bruises from using this damn thing. 

\-------------------------------------- 

Gordon isn't sure how far he's been trekking across the alien landscape- he’s lucky, he hasn’t seen any monsters- before the ground gives way underneath him- the sun here never changes position, but his feet ache from walking and his sides ache from breathing hard, and the suit is low on battery. (Should have charged it last night, huh, Freeman?)

"I should… really find a place to stop and rest-"

As if cursed by his words, the ground slips beneath his feet and collapses, taking poor Gordon with it into the darkness of some cave. In the back of his mind, Gordon notes the existence of sinkholes as a new hazard to worry about, but only in the back of his mind, because he has more pressing concerns. Namely, the fact that the cave this used to be is something's den, and it is not pleased at the intrusion.

There's a horrible growling, hissing noise from the shadows, and Gordon screams, scrambling away from it, but the ground is debris and soft sand and his foot catches and he slips, going sprawling across the ground. The impact is hard- Gordon sees stars for a second, and he sucks in a gasp of breath as his brain tries to reorient itself to his surroundings. 

It's too dark down here to see anything other than the mouth of the sinkhole, and in a haze Gordon tries to click the flashlight off, and he sees something move, a predatory lunge towards him, and he barely has time to process it before jaws close like a vise around his arm and sharp teeth crush through the metal, white-hot pain like a supernova, and Gordon is screaming. 

On some level he feels himself lash out at the creature, feels the crunch of bone underneath skull and the cry of a wounded animal- Gordon is unable to distinguish whose bone and whose skull and whose cry- his, the creature's, both, probably, but there is the crunch of bone and blinding pain and somewhere he can tell that he is screaming, that he is hitting the creature with every ounce of strength his exhausted, aching body can mustert. He hits it until it lets go, hits it after he feels something rip and tear and the pain is too much to scream, like a man possessed because he is possessed, because Gordon is in his head and he is screamingscreamingscreamingscreaming and something else, something primal is awakening in his bones and he will not die, he will not do it, he refuses.

The skull of the monster is mangled, torn from Gordon's body and sent flying across the room to make a wet sort of crunch on the wall, and there's one hazy moment, yet so oddly crystal-clear (if he was a doctor, he might call that "shock") where he looks at his arm, and says "Huh. That's a lot of blood." He'a not sure how much of it is his blood. What color do these creatures bleed? He's never noticed. Too busy running from them.

And then the white pain overwhelms him, and the world fades to an acid black of teeth and blood, and then to nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, writing this: Damn, I really want a longer fic explaining what happens on the earth side of this equation but I'm probably not going to write it. 
> 
> [I'm writing it now, so look forward to that.] 
> 
> Also yes I made Gordon pass out a lot, sue me. It's a good end point, and YOU try not passing out from pain after a horrible Xen beast rips off your hand.


	3. 3- and take a leap into the abyss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Near-death experiences and becoming something Else. The gore continues here, folks!

Gordon comes to in a haze. Normally, he snaps out of the sea and into his body like the click of a button, the flip of a switch- instantly. This time, he awakes in a fugue, slowly levering himself off the ground as best he can. 

All he can feel in his lower right arm is pain, and Gordon gasps as the gaping wound brushes against the ground. It hurts… so much, and he can't fucking see in the dark here. 

His breathing is heavy, ragged from pain and from screaming. "Okay. You can do this, Gordon. Just… stand up. Gotta- gotta assess the damage. Come on, Gordon. You've made it this far, you can't just rot in some- sinkhole in hell." Maybe it's better than it feels. In his gut he knows it won't be, but he staggers to his feet, and then to the light of the sinkhole, where he can get a better look at his hand. 

Gordon steps into the light, and lets out a short, choked gasp. His hand- his whole fucking hand is just gone. Where it was is just a gaping wound, dripping blood and covered in some sort of toxic green substance his mind refuses to comprehend. 

He gasps and ends up choking on a sob, tears suddenly dripping down Gordon's face. It hurts so much, and, and how is he supposed to fight like this? He's going to die here. He's going to die here, and he's never going to see his son again or make pancakes or see the Grand Canyon, and he doesn't want to die. 

Blood drips from his wound, and he watches the drops splash against the rock floor of the cave. He doesn't want to die. He wants to go home. He wants his son. Gordon is alone on an alien world, some unspeakable creature ripped his hand off, everything hurts, and he is afraid to die. 

Gordon curls in on himself, hiding the arm protectively as he sobs- he doesn't sit down. Somewhere in the back of his head, something tells him if he sits down, he will never get back up. Another something screams that these tears are wasting valuable water, and if blood loss doesn't get him, dehydration will. 

He might have drank from a few strange cave pools out of desperation, but he has no idea how hydrating those were. Or if they were going to give him like, super space typhoid or whatever and kill him. The thought of super space typhoid is absurdly funny, for some reason, and Gordon finds himself laughing hysterically through his sobs. 

He's going to die here, isn't he? The thought is choking, suffocating, but he can't stop his hysterical laughter until a cold thought cuts in. It's primal instinct, the same automatic animal reaction as what saved his life (He was going to die anyway, he knew it.)

No. No, he would not die here. His name was Gordon Freeman, and he was not going to die of blood loss on some alien hellscape. It was simply not going to happen. 

If he died- fine. But he wasn't going to bleed out here. He wouldn't fucking do it, god, fate, luck be damned. 

Gordon fucking Freeman was going to see his son one last time before he died. 

Gordon grits his teeth, bares them into a snarl- if they're sharper than usual, he doesn't notice. He has more important things to worry about. Like getting out. He had to get out of this damned hole. He forms his one hand left into a claw shape for gripping, and scrambles up the slope using just his legs and that one hand- the low gravity helped with that task, certainly. 

He probably couldn't do this under normal earth gravity, but that's not important now. Nothing is important anymore, nothing except getting home. Dying somewhere that wasn't here. The realization would almost be freeing, if it wasn't terrifying. (His name was Gordon Freeman, and he refused to die.)

Gordon carefully sidesteps the sinkhole, then looks around for something, anything, somewhere to go, then spots a cave in the distance. That'll have to do. Hey, the last time he found a cave, it went pretty well. It was almost nice. (That was probably why this had happened. Fucking… losing a hand in exchange for one adequate sleep, apparently. The universe had ordained that Gordon Freeman should suffer. Gordon Freeman told the universe to fucking suck it.)

"Come on Gordon, keep it together, you can do this, let's go."

He stumbles towards the cave on unsteady feet- some selfish part of him wishes he had someone, anyone, to lean on and help with this, but he knows that would be a selfish wish. For one, it would mean that someone else was trapped in this hellscape, and he wouldn't wish that on his worst enemy, much less someone who would be willing to help him out. 

A thought flits through Gordon's head as he steps half-blind into the cave- maybe he's already dead, and this is his punishment, or whatever. He's in hell. The thought is dismissed- it's not like Gordon was a saint, but he certainly wasn't evil. Maybe mildly a dick sometimes, or melodramatic, but certainly, he did not deserve this.,

It's dim in here (Gordon didn't know what he was expecting. It was a fucking cave after all.) And Gordon could hardly see where he was going- he stuck close to the wall, keeping his good hand on it both to steady himself and guide himself. He had no real idea where the fuck he was going, just following the twists and turns of the cave with half-lidded eyes and unsteady steps. 

He has to keep going. He has to keep looking for- at some point, one of the drops of blood on the floor had taken away the knowledge of what he was looking for. He has to keep going. 

Three words thrum like a mantra in Gordon's head- I will not die. I will not die. I will not die. They echo like a drum beat, like a chant, until they are all consuming and the only thought he can find in his head. 

One foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other, a mindless rhythm of walking. The soles of his feet hurt. His whole body hurts. He wants to go home.

Gordon can't tell how long he's been in here, leaving a hansel-and-gretel breadcrumb trail of blood in the caves (The idea flits across Gordon's mind, leaving hysterical giggles in its wake before he forgets what it was.) before he trips and falls again in his almost blind state.

Gordon falls for what feels like simultaneously a long time and an instant, before landing with a *crunch* od bone inside some giant chamber. The HEV suit's metal breaks and bends and pierces his flesh as shrapnel is wont to do (shouldn't Black Mesa have invested in a sturdier material?) but he barely notices, head spinning from the impact with the ground and breath knocked out of his lungs. The air in here feels electrified, almost pulsing, and he takes a deep breath, and then exhales, blood dripping from his chin. 

Everything hurts. Everything hurts so much. His bones, his hand, his hand. Gordon couldn't think, couldn't breathe from the throbbing ache of it all. The mantra dulls, trails off into silence in the quiet of the room, the only sound being the beating of Gordon's own heart.

He… he probably couldn't get up like this. His legs might even be broken. It was hard to tell, given how much his everything hurt. Maybe… maybe it would be best if he closed his eyes, rested here a bit. It was almost peaceful here, really. Almost nice. 

Gordon closes his eyes, and feels the soft embrace of sleep take him in her arms before she is wrenched away by lighting-hot pain in his hands. It hurts, it hurts, but some part of him is too distant to really be alarmed.

Gordon raises his one remaining hand above his face, and stares at it. Sharpened claws poke from the skin (If he was present, he might remember what the claws on the beings in the cave looked like. Gordon doesn't remember.) through bloody wounds, and the droplets drip onto his face like red rain. 

Gordon opens his mouth for a hysterical giggle, but it turns into a scream . His mouth is pain, pain, ripping flesh and he can't breathe, he's choking on his own blood and sharpened fangs rip through the soft flesh of his mouth and he rolls over to hack and cough it out, desperately scrambling for oxygen.

And then his bones start to crack and shift. Gordon feels every second of the twisting, reshaping and spines punching through his skin with the telltale rip of flesh. 

His body molds and reshapes like a child is playing with the clay and the clay is his body, stretching it until it tears as it grows and the pain is too much even to scream, even to think, all consuming, choking. 

It is a blessing when the darkness swallows him whole like the maw of some great beast. 

\---------------------------------

Gordon wakes up (A surprise.) on the floor of the chamber he fell into, and the air is electric, pulsing with power. It's potent, tangible, he can taste it in the air and in his lungs and feel it thrumming his veins. 

He feels… great, actually. He feels better than he's ever felt in his life. Gordon takes a deep breath, savoring the exhilaration for a moment. 

Then, he opens his eyes, and flexes one clawed hand, leaving the other by his side for now. (It stopped hurting. For the first time in forever, nothing hurt anymore. The thought makes him giddy.) He feels good. He feels good. 

He examines himself and the chamber, sees the blood on the ground and realizes- he's bigger. He's bigger and stronger and his hands are claws and his teeth are needles and there are metal spikes in his skin and his hair is a soft brown mane down his back and there is a tail lashing behind him and he feels whole, more whole than he's certain he's ever felt in his old life.

Gordon feels complete, and he does not hurt anymore and the realization causes him to break into manic laughter. He is perfect. He is whole. Everything makes sense now, this was a gift, a blessing, the best thing ever to happen to him. (The pain is shoved to the back of his head, almost forgotten in the swirling mania.) Gordon feels powerful, he feels right, and a laugh tumbles from his lips and does not stop until the cavern shakes with the volume of his laughter. 

What had be been so scared of? Why had he ever wanted to leave? This was wonderful.

Suddenly, a thought freezes in his head, stopping his maniacal laughter in its tracks: His son, his beloved baby boy. Joshua was so little, so fragile, so weak. So human. His son could be hurt (Nothing could ever hurt Gordon again) and that could not be allowed to happen. Leaving him like that- not sharing this wonderful gift- well, it's something no good father would do. Borderline irresponsible, if Gordon was going to be so bold. (He would be so bold.)

He had to protect his son, help him grow up happy and healthy and strong. He would never do that as a human, Gordon knew that now. He had to help his son somehow, make him stronger. (Make Joshua like him.)

Joshua would thank him. He was sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading Beyond Saving! Definitely had a blast writing it, though I'm sure there are a few issues. 
> 
> The next installment in this series, a Joshua (and Benrey) centric fic detailing what's happening back on earth and also what happened to get Gordon here is going up tommorow, because this AU fucking Awakened something in me and I'm a goddamn content machine for it. 
> 
> The, uh, the AU's happy ending isn't happening there either, but it should get us much closer to it, and it should be more in line with the canon tone than what's going on in this fic. Hope to see you there!

**Author's Note:**

> Me, writing this: damn I really want another fic but its detailing the other side of this story (what's happening on earth) but i dont want to write it
> 
> I'm writing it. So look out for that!
> 
> Again, thank you to Liliflower137


End file.
